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anxiety, BCD, cold, diving, emotional, jellyfish, lesson, Marcus, mask, moray eel, rain, regulator, Sail Rock Divers, skills, storm, Tam, test, Tikhon, waves
Several years ago, I think at Christmas actually, Noah gave me a gift certificate for scuba diving lessons. As some of you know, Noah has scuba dived before and did some diving for work several years ago when he picked milfoil in Halls Pond. He also picked milfoil at my parent’s lakehouse on Lake Morey, and it was on that dive that I took my first underwater breath. It was WEIRD and different and yet exhilarating and thrilling, all at the same time. I used what I now know as Noah’s alternate air source, and together we scoped out the underwater world for just a few minutes, arms locked together and both of us breathing from the same tank. It never occurred to me to be scared and Noah was calm and confident, as always a wonderful teacher. There wasn’t a lot to see, but it was enough to peak my interest.
Now, several years later, we find ourselves in one of the most beautiful places in the world to dive and Noah offered to make good on his promise. Without a second thought I took him up on it and we booked my Open Water course with Sail Rock Divers in the northern part of Koh Pha-Ngan, the island where we have been for the past two weeks. It was designed as a three day course consisting of videos, a textbook, knowledge reviews and a final exam as well as five contained water dives in a pool and four open water dives in the sea. When Noah called the to see if they had any openings the woman who answered the phone said she could take me the next day. Noah looked at me, and I eagerly nodded yes and it was a done deal. Noah asked if he could also take a refresher course and then dive the open water dives with me and she said no problem. Excellent.
After the phone call was over, I was pretty excited. It was pretty late at night when Noah made the call so we were already getting ready for bed. Sleep was hard that night and I woke up at 6am nervous, with an upset stomach. Tamleyn, our instructor, picked us up at 7am and drove us the 40 min or so from the south of the island to the northern tip where the dive center is located. She chatted with us the whole way and we found out she is from South Africa and has been in Thailand for over five years now. She asked us about our comfort in the water, to which I responded that I hadn’t had a lot of exposure to water as a child and as a result I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it. She asked why I was interested in scuba and I told her that Noah was a diver and that it was something I thought I might like so we could do it together. I told her that I hadn’t really realized that it was a possibility when I was younger and Vermont isn’t exactly known for its beautiful underwater world. It wasn’t until I met Noah and we started to travel that I thought it might be something that could be fun. Plus I told her I didn’t like being cold, which has a lot to do with the amount of time (or lack thereof) I spend in the water.
We arrived at the dive center and I took one look at the pool and the reality of what I was about to do started to sink in. I was going to attempt to breathe, underwater, completely dependent on a tank and some man-made mechanics in order to not drown. What the hell was I thinking?!? Noah and I filled out the necessary paperwork and signed the releases. I had mentioned to Tam in the car that I had had facial reconstruction surgery because of a jaw issue. I told her I was a bit concerned that I wouldn’t be able to physically hold the regulator in my mouth due to residual numbness and jaw pain. We talked again briefly about it when I did the medical paperwork and she reassured me that we would just see how it went and take it easy. Then I met the other two people who would be in my class with me and we headed to the classroom. Marcus is from northern Sweden and had done a Discovery dive (one time exploratory dive with an instructor) last year so he was familiar with the entire process. Tikhon is from Russia and hadn’t dived before. It was quite a mixed bag considering levels of experience and languages but Tam got us started and we were off and running.
The first couple of hours consisted of us watching PADI videos and getting an overview of the equipment we would be using and the goals of each of the first few contained water dives we would be doing. At the end of each section we went over a Knowledge Review and discussed what we needed to know and Tam answered any of our questions. Tam had us fill in the review during the video, but due to misunderstandings the boys didn’t fill theirs in until after each video session ended, so that took up a bunch of extra time. After the second section was complete Tam had us traipse out to the pool and she showed us our equipment and had us assemble and disassemble it at least 3 or 4 times correctly, the last time without her help. Noah was a wiz as he was comfortable with all the hoses and gadgets but I found myself growing increasingly wary about what I was attempting to do. There was a LOT of information in a short amount of time, and I felt completely overwhelmed in terms of being able to absorb it all. It was right around this time that Tam had us get in the pool.
The rest of the day was spent getting comfortable with breathing under water and with the general principles of scuba diving. I use the term “comfortable” loosely because I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that way, even if I continue diving and do it all the time. It is really unnatural and something that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. I wasn’t too scared to do it, but that didn’t mean I was comfortable with it. Noah was finished with his refresher after the first pool session so he spent the rest of the day eating snacks and drinking a beer, watching us from the couches and the side of the pool. Around halfway through the second pool session I started getting cold, and before I knew it I was shaking like crazy and unable to really focus on anything we were doing. They got me a shorty wetsuit (shorts and a tshirt style, not long bottoms or long sleeves) and that helped for a bit, but Tam ended up quitting early so we could get out and let me warm up. We headed back into the classroom for the third video session and questions. It became obvious to me that we must be taking longer than most other groups because Tam seemed a bit exasperated. She eventually asked us if it would be possible for us to extend the class over four days because she didn’t think that three would be enough time. That worked for all of us so after we did the third video we said goodbye and Tam took us back to the bungalows.
At one point during the day, Noah asked me how I was doing. I told him I wasn’t really sure I liked it. When he asked me why, I told him I felt like I was right on the edge of panic, especially when we were sitting in the deep end. I told him I had to keep reminding myself that I could breath, and to not hold my breath. I was particularly concerned about my mask, and the fact that it kept fogging and leaking and the two times I had tried to clear it I got water up my nose and felt like I was choking. No fun. And by the end of the day I was also freezing cold (despite very warm temperatures here) and just feeling exhausted, mentally and emotionally as well as physically.
We spent a quiet evening together and we talked a bit about the class, but at this point I couldn’t really identify what was bothering me so much. I think I just thought I was nervous about doing something new, and the fact that I like to do something right the first time didn’t make it any easier. I wanted to like it, but I wasn’t sure I did. I told Noah I would try again and see how it went.
The second day went more slowly and because we had extended the class it felt like some of the pressure was off to rush through things. We had to take our time, both because I got cold very quickly and because sometimes Tam had to explain things differently or demonstrate multiple times. I realized part way through the morning that I had an odd sense of calm. My stomach wasn’t fluttery, my heart wasn’t beating fast. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, but I just decided to go with it. The sessions were a bit easier in terms of actually doing the skills, although the skills themselves were a bit harder. Removing your mask, swimming underwater without it, remembering to breathe all the time, making emergency ascents, taking off your equipment underwater and on the surface and being able to put them back on-all skills that were required and that took a lot of time. Tam was very considerate of my shivering and made opportunities for me to warm up by letting me go first on some things and then get out and sit in the sun while the boys finished up. By the end of the day all of our bookwork/video sessions were done and I had passed each one of the Knowledge Reviews as well as completed all the necessary skills in order to dive in open water. We made plans for the boat dives the next day and Tam drove Noah and I back. She mentioned that I did a great job on skills and that I seemed more confident than I had the day before. I took that to mean that I must be feeling more confident, which was my first mistake.
Here’s where the first lesson comes in. It wasn’t until I got home after the second day of diving that I was able to recognize that a part of me was absolutely terrified, and that what I was thinking was just a bit of nervousness was actually a significant amount of anxiety. I had ignored all the signs, or at least denied them to myself and for what reason? I wasn’t sure. I also wasn’t sure what I was anxious about, exactly. I knew that the anxiety that hit me while I was underwater was not pleasant, and I felt unable to think clearly or fully function because of it. Once I identified that emotion, I immediately likened it to how I feel before having a major medical procedure (which I’ve had several of) and I caught myself short once I made that connection. How come I couldn’t or didn’t recognize or admit the anxiety I was feeling, or where was it coming from and what was I going to do about it?
Noah and I walked into town to get some snacks for the boat trip and I used that opportunity to talk with him. I babbled and probably really confused him as I was jumping around and interrupting myself, but I was deeply concerned about my discovery and was processing while I was talking, always a challenge to do those two things at once. He was patient, followed along as best he could and offered words of encouragement. Most important, he asked what he could do to help.
It took me going about it the long way, but what I learned was that I was worried about failing the course and about disappointing Noah more so than I was about the technical aspects of actually diving. And here I thought I was nervous about drowning. While that is a concern, I do trust Tam and am hopeful that she wouldn’t let me do something if she didn’t think I could. What I didn’t trust was myself, and the safety that exists in knowing I gave something my best and that that was enough. Noah was able to tell me that even if I didn’t complete the course, and even if I didn’t ever dive with him that he would still love me and admired me for giving it a try. What he asked was that I not simply give up, but that I express what I needed in order to feel safe and ready to go. If what I needed was to walk away then he would support me in that as well. Hearing him say those words made a huge difference in my entire perspective on this experience. And being able to vocalize my emotions in “real time” (something I have struggled with since I was a child) proved to be healing and helpful, and allowed Noah the chance to offer love and support when it was most needed. What a valuable lesson.
The day of our first open water dive started out ok. We met up with all the other people who were also going out on the boat with us and we got the run down on our plans for the day. We were heading to Sail Rock, one of the most beautiful and popular places to dive in this part of the world. Tam told us we had about an hour long boat ride and that she would let us know when to get ready, and we were left to socialize and eat the egg sandwiches they provided for breakfast. On the way out I was hit with a wave of anxiety, this time I accepted it. I recognized that I was nervous and I tried to listen to what my body needed. I also tried to eat, which didn’t seem to help, and drank some water and re-hydrating juice to prepare for whatever the day had in store. Along the way I chatted with a girl from South Africa who was going for an advanced certification and she had lots of words of encouragement. Another lesson learned: talking to people in new situations who have been there before is HELPFUL! She also mentioned that there were going to be divers everywhere, and in the odd chance that anyone got into any trouble there would be lots of people there to help. That made me feel better. And besides, I had to keep reminding myself that everything we were going to do in open water we had already done in the pool and I had done those skills just fine. Soon we were told it was time to get our gear ready, and I started getting suited up and ready to go in. I was a little scared-and that was okay. I was also a little excited as well, which was a pleasant surprise. Noah was diving with us and that made me feel a lot better. He was assigned to be my buddy. 🙂
By the time we made it out to the dive site, the water was rough and really choppy and several people were feeling seasick. The boat was anchored along a line of other boats, the lead boat which was anchored to Sail Rock, and they were getting tossed around like crazy. Tam told us we would be the last ones off the boat so we waited patiently for everyone else to jump in. There were divers everywhere! I was totally absorbed with taking it all in when I saw a young girl, probably around 15 or so, crying as she went into the dry area of the boat. She was a Discovery diver, out for a single day of diving to get a feel for what it was like. She was with her father and brother (I think) and they were both feeling under the weather. Suddenly she started crying like crazy, yelling that she wanted to go back to the island. Then she said she wanted to get in the water so she just jumped in! No life jacket or anything. Her instructor tried to get her to relax, and asked her if she wanted a life jacket. She just started panicking. She came back onto the boat and dropped to the ground, crying hysterically. She curled up like a ball and begged to go back to land. Then, her brother threw up all over the deck. It was at that moment when I turned to Tam and said, “I have GOT to get off this boat!” Nothing made me happier than the thought of jumping into the water and getting away from the freaking out and puking! I’m sure that helped me forget a bit about my own anxiety and before I knew it I was in the water, paddling my way out to the buoy line.
I will never forget that first dive. Tam gave us a run down of what we were going to do and reminded us about some safety stuff and then we were working our way down the line into the sea. I was immediately surrounded by beauty-stunning, breathtaking beauty. It was quieter, and the water less choppy the deeper down we went. The reef was unbelievable, and the fish! They were everywhere, in schools that swam so close they almost hit my mask. The colors ranged from yellows, blues and flashes of silver to browns and blacks, and there were all different sizes too. One big rock turned out to actually be a huge fish! There was no way I could see everything and take it all in. All I could think was that it really is like they show in the documentaries-I felt like I had slipped into one of my Blue Planet DVDs! I quickly focused my attention on Tam and began practicing keeping myself in proper position, maintaining buoyancy and swimming with my legs. There were dozens of other divers. Tam swam backwards, keeping a close eye on us and our depth and reminding us of certain things as we went along. The hardest part of that first dive was keeping track of Noah! At one point I reached over and took his hand, and it was an absolutely perfect moment that I will treasure forever.
We ended up having to turn around because of a strong current, and eventually we popped up on the surface and made our way back to the boat. We hadn’t been down for long, but it was long enough for me to get a taste of the world that would be available to me if I chose to continue with diving. Once back on the boat we got our gear off and lunch was being served. We were told that we were going to move to a different location, one that was calmer, so that the Discovery divers would hopefully feel better and give it a try. We chugged our way to a bay near the island and Noah asked me how I was doing. I reflected for a moment and told him I was ok. It was a beautiful first dive, no doubt about it, but I was still feeling nervous about everything and wanting to do it right and it was a lot to think about. All of that made it hard to really relax and enjoy what was around me, but it was a good first experience and I knew I was a little more confident.
The second dive of the day was nothing like the first. The bay we were in was much shallower, and certainly didn’t have as much to see. The visibility was less, but it was a good place to get some more of our skills out of the way. We got back in the water and made our way down to the bottom where we got on our knees and worked through the list of skills we had to do. Once we had all finished Tam took us out a bit to where there was a small reef and led us around. Even though it was nothing like Sail Rock, there were still plenty of fish to be seen and it was an enjoyable experience. This time Noah and I had worked out a plan and he stayed on my left, so I was able to see him and point to stuff anytime I wanted. That worked out great. Once again, before I knew it it was time to surface and we made our way back to the boat. Turns out the Discovery divers never even tried the dive, so we moved for no reason! Oh well, it was good to get so many skills out of the way in relatively calm water.
The fourth day of the course started off all weird. The weather was terrible overnight, and we had huge storms right through the morning. We got to the center and it started pouring! Eventually it lessened and everyone got in the trucks to head to the boat. Once we got there they brought everyone up on the deck and told us that because of the poor weather we were not going to go to Sail Rock, and instead we were going to go around the corner to a bay where there was hopefully more protection from the wind. They said that anyone who wanted to get off and reschedule their dive was welcome to do so. Obviously the three of us looked to Tam, who said we were staying because we had a course to finish. Great.
Once we left the pier it became VERY clear that the waves and the wind were not to be taken lightly. The rumor going around was that there were going to be two and a half meter waves by early afternoon, and it seemed very likely. The boat rocked like crazy, and once again people were getting sick. We rounded the corner to the bay where we had done our 2nd dive the day before, and it was too rough to stop so we kept going. Further down the coast there was another bay with a reef that followed the coast. Tam jumped in and did a little scouting out of the situation and decided we would go for it. Everyone got their gear on and off the boat we went. Once we made it to the buoy line Marcus and I waited while Tam did some skills with Tikhon, and then we all went down. Talk about freaky! The further down we went, the less visibility there was, and the more scary it became. I did everything I possibly could to keep Tam’s mask in my sights (it was white and the only thing I could see) and stay as close to her as possible. Of course she had the three of us to keep track of, and every time she drifted out of my vision as she grabbed for Marcus or Tikhon, a sense of panic would creep over me. Fortunately she always came back into sight before I totally freaked out. Once we were finally on the bottom she wanted us to go to our knees. As much as I tried to do so without stirring stuff up, it didn’t matter. The water was so stirred up nothing we did made any difference. Then we did some skills. One of the skills we are supposed to do are fin pivots, which required us to lay on our bellies and inflate our BCD enough to float, and then use our breathing to go up and down, pivoting on the tips of our fins. She pointed to me and gave me the fin-pivot signal, and I tried my best to find the ground. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even tell which way was up once my knees left the bottom.
Tam tapped me and gave us the signal that the dive was over. They she told us to go up, slow. I have to admit I was very relieved but also really bummed that we weren’t going to be able to finish the course. I looked up and started to ascend only to realize that Tam was way higher than I was, and Marcus was below me. Once again I lost all sense of direction and did my best to keep calm and breathe slowly, deflating my BCD as I went up. Suddenly Tam reached out of the murk and locked me and Marcus’ arms together so we could hold on to one another as we went up. I thought for sure we had lost Tikhon as he was nowhere around us. By the time we surfaced I saw that he had popped up already and had actually been above us the whole time. And I was worried about him…bah! Tam told us it was pointless for us to try to finish because she couldn’t see anything, and it was dangerous. I totally agreed. All I could do was laugh and apologize to Marcus for grabbing and squeezing him so hard. I think he understood.
We got back to the boat and put all our gear away and waited for the other divers who were still out. Once everyone was back on board, we actually headed away from the dive center pier because the waves were too high to try to dock there. A lot of boats were headed our direction, to Thong Sala pier, to wait out the storm. The ride was a bit choppy and rough, but it felt nice to be out in the fresh air, watching the boats come in and appreciating the fact that we had all made it through that dive in one piece. As Tam said, we are getting a lot of different experiences in this course!
We made plans to finish the class on the 27th as Christmas was the next day. I think it was good to have a couple days off-it allowed my jaw to get a break and let me get some rest and really process where I was and how I was doing. I felt like I had undergone a huge emotional growth spurt and I was worn out, but pleased with myself as well. I realized that all I wanted was to FINISH and pass the test and get the certification so that I could feel a sense of accomplishment, but also so that I could do fun diving and not stress about skills. I used those two days to soak up my time with Noah, connect with family and not think too much about diving, although I did study a bit for my final exam.
The 27th came quickly and we found ourselves at the dive center and I was eager to get stuff done! There had been such strong currents at Sail Rock the day before that Tam even had some trouble. She told us she would see how it was today and we would go from there. Oh boy…
When we got to Sail Rock there was only one other boat there, so we anchored on the rock and then got ready to jump in. This time we were not the last ones off the boat, and once we hit the water we were told to grab the anchor line and use that to guide us to the buoy line. The current was STRONG, and right away someone got separated from their group. I could feel the anxiety starting to kick in. Noah was with us again for today’s dives and I knew that would help me feel better.
We made our way down and headed towards the training platform, which is actually just a rocky area that has sand on it. There was only room enough for a few of us at a time, so Noah floated around while we did some more skills. We tried to do the compass but something went wrong and I could see that Tam was upset. We had to turn around as well because the current was too strong in one spot. And when Tam asked us for our air, I looked down and freaked out because I was at 70! We were supposed to tell Tam whenever we hit 100, and 60. I honestly had no idea how I had gone through so much air so fast-I felt like I had just looked at it and it was 110. Obviously Tam was upset and even though she didn’t say a word, I could tell by her body language that she was saying, “Why didn’t you tell me at 100?! Think!”
Once we surfaced it was very clear that Tam was very upset with all of us, and sure enough we got back on the boat and had a “debriefing” where Tam pointed out all the mistakes we made and said that after 5 days we should not be making such basic errors. I completely understood her frustration, but I also felt nervous that something was wrong with my gear for me to go through air that fast. I told her my concerns, and she calmed down enough to explain that my equipment was fine, it was just that I was working harder in the current and at the depth that we were at, and that I needed to get used to looking at my air every 5 minutes. I agreed to do so. She went over the compass again and talked to the boys about a few things and then said we had ten minutes and then we were getting back in. Ok, last dive to get everything done we hadn’t done yet. The pressure was on!
Back in, back along the anchor line, and then a sudden change of direction because the current actually picked up instead of calming down. Tam said it was because of the full moon the next night that the currents were so strong. We stayed on the surface until we were close to the platform, and then down we went. We waited for another group to finish and then Tam had us settle onto the platform and do our final batch of skills. One of the last things we had to do was a mask removal and replacement. That required us to flood our masks, take them off and then put the back on again and clear them. It was the only skill left that I was anxious about, mostly because of my loss of sensation around my nose and the fact that I unknowingly breathe in through my nose and get choked up. I had rehearsed what I was going to do in my head over and over. I got situated on my knees in front of Tam (she had a hold of my BCD and was keeping an eye on my regulator) and closed my eyes; mask was flooded, mask was off…then suddenly I found myself drifting off the bottom. That was odd. I didn’t know if I should fight Tam or just go with it, so I just kept going with my mask while I was being tugged around. I got my mask back on and then I cleared it. Once I opened my eyes I looked at Tam and her eyes were like saucers! She pointed down, and I looked but my mask wasn’t fully cleared and I couldn’t see very well. I could tell that we were several meters off the bottom, but I didn’t know why so I just shrugged. She gave me the ok sign and shook my hand, meaning I had completed the skill. Then she brought all of us over to an anchor line and had the guys do their mask removals there. Once that was done we did our compass stuff and we were good to go.
The rest of the dive went fairly smoothly. We just enjoyed ourselves, and saw some beautiful things. A huge jellyfish went swimming by, with little fishes inside it. We saw a Christmas Tree Worm, which Tam said are her favorite, and she showed us how they come out and “bloom” and then shoot back into their home when startled. I even saw a small moray eel. It was a nice way to finish our diving experience, especially after all we had been through together. And I kept a close eye on my air, for sure!
Once we surfaced Tam asked me if I understood what happened with my mask removal. I said I had no idea. Apparently right after I took off my mask, Marcus started poking her in the shoulder. She eventually turned around and floating right past the side of her head was a jellyfish, and it was headed right for my face! It wasn’t one of the huge ones, but it was big enough and Tam said she did her best to guide me away from it but that it was a really close call. I think her exact words were, “That could have ended very badly!” She was really impressed that everyone kept their cool, and I am especially grateful to her and Marcus for not letting me get a jellyfish in the face. That would have sucked.
We packed up our stuff and made our way back to the dive center to take our final exam. Once we were done with that we cleaned and put away our gear and waited for Tam to grade our tests. I got one wrong, a 98% and I was pretty pleased with myself! Noah had ordered some food and he and I bought everyone a celebratory drink. We also gave Tam a little gift, a yacht of her own, so she won’t ever forget us. Not that I think she could even if she wanted to-we were the class that never ended! We also wrote her a Dive Instructor’s Blessing:
May the waters always be clear,
May your air never be tainted.
May the predator fish always be full,
And may your Open Water students take less than 5 days!
After our little celebration and filling in our log books we exchanged information and said our goodbyes to Marcus and Tikhon. Then Tam took us back to our bungalows and we ate, Noah told me he was proud of me, and then I fell sound asleep. The class was so much more than I ever anticipated, and I doubt I’ll ever forget the lessons learned underwater about myself both as a diver, and as a human. That’s powerful stuff.
-Amanda
Photos by Noah
One-2-Ten 
OMG Amanda ! Thank you so much for sharing =) I could totally feel your panic and anxiety and now know why I will NEVER dive. !!!! You did such a great job. What an accomplishment! Not only realizing your fear and over coming it, but also writing about it so we can be part of your experience. Thank you !!!! I am so proud of you.
Thanks for the encouragement and support Mom! It was one of those pivotal moments that you just sorta never expect, but also never forget. And it was totally worth it. 🙂
Sweet Time huh!!! It totaly made me rememeber my experiences as well, especially the part about breathing “fake air” as I thought it just felt weird, and those damn drills taking off the mask ugh,,, also this one was particularly cool I got pretty sea sick on one of my first dives and I ended up throwing up in my reg and forgot that it wasnt a big deal cause it just floated right out into the sea. !!!
Love hearing about this I hope you guys will go to the Great Barrier Reef!! You’ll be stupified!
laters xoxox
Oh man, I couldn’t imagine throwing up in my reg!! Were you scared? And we are hoping to go to the Reef since we have been told by so many people to see it, especially before it disappears forever. 😦 Fingers crossed it will work out. And perhaps when I get back you and I should go diving together!!
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Hi guys
what a great blog you have, you have some amazing experiences for life. Thank you for the lovely write up! Its good to write about all the fears as most people think they are just going to jump in and dive without skills and all the tests that go with the Open Water course. (remember I did it once before too)
I was very proud of all of you and it is always a pleasure teaching someone, especially when it gets to the end and I can see how far you have all come- its is my greatest joy…
who knows I may be in the states and you can teach me something one day!
take care and keep in touch
🙂
Hi Tam! I don’t know how your comment got overlooked/lost, except perhaps in the craziness that was life for us once we touched back down in the US. Thank you for the comment, for providing me with some memories I will hold onto for the rest of my life, and for giving me the opportunity to learn some of these important lessons. It was a pleasure to meet you, and I do hope our paths can cross again one day. All the best, -Amanda